The Chase....

Eccl 2:11 "And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind."


So this is May. It has been quite a year so far. In February, I turned fourty. No..I was not in complete dread, in fact I was somewhat looking forward to it. I was not however, looking forward to some of the changes that this year has brought.

On February 21st, three days before my birthday, my aunt Ivy Stubbs went home to be with the Lord. The last time I spoke with her, I told her I would be coming to see her in Florida when she went to spend time with her daughter. I had hoped that she would hang on until Spring Break-she couldn't. She passed from death to life in Homestead, Florida.

Her funeral was held on March 5th, 2011. But, before our family could even begin to grapple with that loss, my sister called on March 3rd to say that her granddaughter, Kelsey Sands; seven years old, had passed away from complications of kidney surgery. In January, Kelsey underwent an operation to remove a tumor from her kidney. This type of surgery is not unusual, and she was expected to make a full recovery. She didn't - at least not on this side of heaven. Kelsey was seven years old at the time of her death. My aunt was 71. They were both February babies like me, and both loved the color pink-no its not my favorite.

Last night I learned that a sister that I loved and admired, Jackie Heyward ended her fight with cancer, and went home to be with the Lord. She was fourty-five years young. She leaves behind a legacy of love for her husband, and her three children around whom she centered her life.

As I face the reality of aged parents, a father who is battling dementia, and last month did not recognize my brother, who sees him almost everyday, I wrestle with the fragility of life, my purpose, my faith, and my hope in what I cannot see.

As a child, and teenager, I felt the world was my oyster. I could do anything, be anyone, go anywhere. This is not untrue, however we make choices that steer us in different paths as we grow and learn. I wanted to have a fabulous career, make lots of money, and gain prestige. So, I wanted to be a doctor. Wouldn't everyone be proud of me? But I wasn't doctor material-at least not a medical doctor. But after seeing my mother sick as a teen, and feeling helpless, and scared, I felt surely if I were a doctor I wouldn't feel helpless and scared-I'd know just what to do.

Then I went to nursing school. After excelling in the top five of my class, making it all the way to clinical rotations, and the last 2 months of training - my daughter got sick. She had to be admitted to the hospital. I missed clinicals for three days. I was told I would have to start at the beginning again. Needless to say I never did become a nurse.

I went back to college part-time, and continued with full-time motherhood. I became a teacher . When I became a teacher, I realized that I had always been a teacher. I've taught Sunday School since I was a teenager. I've taught my children how to read-actually my mother with a 'fourth grade' education taught my oldest child how to read, just as she taught me.

Now, in this year 2011, as I approach what has been almost eight years in public education, I again search for purpose in doing and being. I may not be the best teacher - but I am a teacher, whether in a school system or not - I teach. Without even opening my mouth - I teach.

I remember as a child, I didn't want to be my mother. I wanted a 'life.' I wanted more than cooking meals, and making beds, and nursing wounds. I wanted to be appreciated and important. I also didn't want to be my sister. First of all, to hear my Dad tell it; she was perfect. I think in my mind, I wanted to be a doctor so he could brag on me-so I'd be the good daughter. And 'in my mind' I really did try to be 'good.' I didn't want to be my sister because she was nice. She was also pretty - I wasn't. But I was smart-or so I thought- so I wanted to capitalize on that.

As Job said, the thing I most feared has come upon me...I am my mother! I am my sister! And I am proud of it! I do not know of two more stronger, nobler, kinder, caring, tenacious women than them. Because the world has mistaken kindness for weakness, and not valued the worth of women and mothers we are a nation in dire straits. I am domesticated. I am totally engrossed in my kids lives. My love for them is like my mother's and sister's love for me-deep and never ending. It is a love that anticipates needs, and wants. A love that knows you intimately, faults and all, and loves you anyway-an agape love.

Jackie lived life well. She loved her family and friends, and her God. She was always ready to lend a helping hand and I valued her advice as a mother raising teenagers like me. I would look to her for guidance. Her love for her children was a deep palpable one- the love I hope my children feel from me.

My aunt lived her life well. She worked in the tourism industry for many years, but her passion was sewing and traveling. She traveled to Rochester, New York for my impromptu wedding. She made me pregnancy clothes simply becuse I needed them- I never asked. As a teenager I practically lived at her house-it was an escape when my sister and I disagreed. She never took sides, just waited for us to work it out.

Kelsey in the few years she graced this world with her presence, brought immense joy and happiness to her parents and all those who knew her.

My sister is living life well. In 2003, I discovered just how strong she is. Her strength continues to amaze me. She is my mother, my sister, and my friend. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she has my back. When I grow up, I'm gonna be just like her.

My mom at eighty-three years young, is still living her life well. I don't have the energy to keep up with her. She's making television appearances at home, attending dinners and brunches, not to mention regular church activities, all while helping to care for my father. What I know about motherhood, I learned from her. If I am a good mother-and I am-it's all because she modeled it for me.

The world may never know these women. Their stories may seem unremarkable to many. Yet, I believe that they get it! They got the meaning of life. They live/d their 'purpose' on purpose everyday. They used their God-given gifts and abilities unselfishly.

I'm giving up the chase. The chase of material goods, fame, notoriety, and prestige. I'm done. I'm only doing the things that bring me JOY! Not happiness- but JOY! I'm using the gifts HE gave me. I'm going to be the best mother I can be! I may not be in anyone's classroom in August- but I'm going to continue to be the best teacher I can be. I'm going to be the best wife, and friend I can be! And since I hear Him say, "Write, Daughter, Write", I'm going to be the best writer I can be.

When I lay me down to sleep, I want to know that I have become who I was created to be; and won't my Daddy be so proud of me!